How I Failed (and You Can Too!)

Self loathing stories from my past for you, my dear reader, to learn from if being the nice guy is your current game with the ladies.

This was years ago. I had been out of the house on my own for about two years after having picked up and moved across the country to a new city. I was working in a cafe that was popular with the young, fit college girls that lived in the neighborhood and went to school at one of the universities nearby. Great for meeting meeting pretty girls. Even if they had a boyfriend, those guys were miles, states, or countries away.

Mary was a short, cute daddy’s girl with glasses and an amazing ass. She knew how to cook, clean, and had even learned how to hunt deer. She and her obese roommate would come in everyday and flirt with me, but it was the single, obese roommate that would spend extra time on me. I entertained Obese Girl’s attention because it usually involved Mary. I quickly developed a crush on Mary knowing she had a boyfriend that lived several hundred miles and two states away. She was giving me good vibes that she was digging on me and I couldn’t get enough of her visually.

We started hanging out outside of work, first with Obese Girl tagging along. Driving around town with no destination in mind, listening to bands we mutually loved, and enjoying the high that comes when you’re feeling great hanging out with someone you like. Eventually Mary and I started hanging out without the obese third wheel. We’d chat on AIM and flirt on MySpace. She’d find me hanging out at a rival cafe (who wants to relax where they work?) and we’d kick it for hours.

But I didn’t escalate. She had a boyfriend and even though she was giving me clear signals that she liked me, I had to honor her relationship with her absent boyfriend. Gaaayyyy, I know.

It was clear as day. Even my friends joked that she was my in-town girlfriend.

It came to a moment that I’ll always remember in my chumpdom. 

The season premier for a popular-with-the-young-girls TV show at the time was coming up and we made plans to watch it together, alone, in her apartment. This was the night that I was going to confess my feelings for her and if she felt the same way we would join together as a couple and she would break up with her boyfriend. I felt that this was it. This would do the trick to get her to come to me.

That night rolled around. I had to work that afternoon and I had even brought a trimmer to work to clean up my stubble a little before showing up at her place. Boy was I nervous! I was about to open up my true feelings for this girl who obviously liked be back but must be waiting to make sure I liked to her too.

We watch the episode and have a good time. Laughter, snuggling, talking shit about her obese roommate.

The night was winding down so I knew this was it, I needed to tell her how I felt.

We were both standing in the front room of her apartment and without any warning on my part I just say it:

“Mary, I think it’s obvious that we get along so well together and we like each other. I know you have a boyfriend but I really like you and I think you like me too. I want to keep seeing you. What do you think?”

….silence

She was not ready for this. I just took all the energy out of the room. This was not what she wanted to hear. She wanted me to take her into her room and have her but instead I played my cards and jumped headfirst into the sexless in-town boyfriend zone. 

She agreed that she liked me but couldn’t do anything about it. She liked me a lot but we just need to stay friends. Her boyfriend was going to be visiting in a few weeks anyways.

I told her it was cool and that I’m glad that we can just be friends.

We hung out a few times more. I even tagged along when her boyfriend visited.

Not long after we drifted apart. I had started to get frustrated that I had turned into the guy that gives her unending attention when her boyfriend wasn’t around.

She’s married now to the guy. She’s still good looking from what I can tell on Facebook but she’s never responded to any messages I had sent afterwards of “hey, just seeing how you’re doing!”

Pure, full blown Beta game, guys.

This is how you take a gold, fucking GOLDEN opportunity and ruin it for yourself.

Women were this precious thing to shouldn’t be corrupted – even though she wanted me to make moves on her sexually

I was respecting her relationship – even though she was spending enormous amounts of time with another guy, me, and would never let her boyfriend know about me.

I made the move to pour my heart out to her so that we could both acknowledge our attraction and take the next step – even though all she was interested in, pre-friendzone, was the passion and physical connection that she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend. She was in college looking for the college experience for shit’s sake.

Here are my lessons learned

1. Any girl, regardless of relationship status, is game for a bang provided she’s going along with the seduction.

2. Telling a girl you like her does the opposite of what you, a nice guy, thinks it will do. Don’t tell her how you feel, show her how you feel with your tongue, hands, and when the moment comes, dick.

3. Classic beta advice shit: don’t be a celibate boyfriend. A girl is not your best friend. She is either pre-bang, post-bang, wing-girl, or entertainment. Anything more and you should be married to her and having daily sex while she stays home to raise the babies.

4. I like making lists after writing stories.