Rum Diary, Friday April 13th

7:38pm. Several drinks in. Everyone is at the table eating dinner – pizza – while I sit close to the balcony door , as the sounds of kids outside playing soccer sneak their way across the threshold.
The oldest is eating pepperoni.
The youngest, cheese.
They sit with their mother, my main girl, as I write.
Company will be joining us soon.
Wine, whiskey, rum and coke.
Anything goes.

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Coffee and Cigarettes – Drink Your Coffee Like a Man

Light yourself up a cigarette, this is going to take a couple minutes:

All you men rushing yourselves in the morning just so you can leave the house early enough to stand in line for ten minutes at a coffee chain to drink 300 calories of hot chocolate coffee flavored milk (aka Cafe Mocha) on your commute into your office so you can feel good about yourself because you consider yourself a “coffee man” are full of it. If you aren’t one of these guys you certainly know at least a full handful of these suckers.

First, stop drinking sugar. If you wonder where your “two o’ clock feeling” is coming from it’s at least coming from your desert you just had for breakfast.

Don’t think you’re getting off my craplist because you order lattes or cappuccinos. That means you enjoy paying $3 for 14 ounces of hot milk with your 2oz of coffee. HOT MILK! That’s a time tested home remedy for helping one fall asleep. Don’t think the 100mg of caffeine content in espresso in your latte is going to negate that.

When it comes down to it, you look like a pussy. You blend in. You walk with the sheep.

Alright, you can put out your cigarette now.

So here’s what you need to do: develop your taste for black coffee from a French press.

First, if you are developing your day  game by hanging out at a coffee shop, how about a conversation piece? Most coffee shops, major chains included, will serve you coffee in a French press. It’s a primal way of brewing coffee – using coarse grounds and hot water steeped and plunged. It’s a sexual move to push a rod in your drink before enjoying it and you’ll be girl watching with a beaker of black goop at your table.

Most presses will brew enough coffee for two or three cups – offer a cup to the girl you’ve been chatting up  at the next table. Learn about how it works so you can ramble about why you like to drink it this way instead of hot milk in a paper cup.

Drinking it black gives you a drink that is sugar free and basically calorie free. If you must add something, go paleo and plop a little bit of heavy cream in it – any quality coffee shop, including the chains, keep heavy cream in the fridge.

How about when you are making dinner for a girl at your place? (The Chef in Jeans will help you learn more about that here)

Buy a French press to keep at home for an after dinner drink with your parfait.

You need to buy quality whole beans – I prefer most producers “espresso roast”, French roast, or Indonesian coffees; I stay away from Latin American coffees (think Colombian etc) because they have a high acidic content. Indonesian coffees (e.g. Sumatra) have a very low acid content which means no heartburn; important if you’re treating your lady to a drink and they pair well with heavier foods.

Have a coffee grinder and a water kettle. You can stick with the typical kettle you heat on the stove that whistles or find a classy stainless steel electric kettle. Stay away from anything too colorful or gimicky, those are made for girls and won’t blend in well with your pad that is surely decorated with many leather-bound books.

Grind two tablespoons of coffee for every six ounces of water. The grinds should be coarse – probably about 11 seconds in your grinder.

Put the ground in the beaker and pour your water just off boil into the beaker and give the grinds a stir.

Let it sit for four minutes.

Put the top on and slowly plunge the press down.

Pour yourself and your lady a small cup.

Offer her some nonfat milk and sweet’n’low. It’s okay, girls can put that kind of junk in their coffee if they want but drink yours black or with some heavy cream.

Ditch the hot milk man-in-socks-and-flip-flops routine and start drinking good coffee. It’ll do you well.