How I Failed (and You Can Too!)

Self loathing stories from my past for you, my dear reader, to learn from if being the nice guy is your current game with the ladies.

This was years ago. I had been out of the house on my own for about two years after having picked up and moved across the country to a new city. I was working in a cafe that was popular with the young, fit college girls that lived in the neighborhood and went to school at one of the universities nearby. Great for meeting meeting pretty girls. Even if they had a boyfriend, those guys were miles, states, or countries away.

Mary was a short, cute daddy’s girl with glasses and an amazing ass. She knew how to cook, clean, and had even learned how to hunt deer. She and her obese roommate would come in everyday and flirt with me, but it was the single, obese roommate that would spend extra time on me. I entertained Obese Girl’s attention because it usually involved Mary. I quickly developed a crush on Mary knowing she had a boyfriend that lived several hundred miles and two states away. She was giving me good vibes that she was digging on me and I couldn’t get enough of her visually.

We started hanging out outside of work, first with Obese Girl tagging along. Driving around town with no destination in mind, listening to bands we mutually loved, and enjoying the high that comes when you’re feeling great hanging out with someone you like. Eventually Mary and I started hanging out without the obese third wheel. We’d chat on AIM and flirt on MySpace. She’d find me hanging out at a rival cafe (who wants to relax where they work?) and we’d kick it for hours.

But I didn’t escalate. She had a boyfriend and even though she was giving me clear signals that she liked me, I had to honor her relationship with her absent boyfriend. Gaaayyyy, I know.

It was clear as day. Even my friends joked that she was my in-town girlfriend.

It came to a moment that I’ll always remember in my chumpdom. 

The season premier for a popular-with-the-young-girls TV show at the time was coming up and we made plans to watch it together, alone, in her apartment. This was the night that I was going to confess my feelings for her and if she felt the same way we would join together as a couple and she would break up with her boyfriend. I felt that this was it. This would do the trick to get her to come to me.

That night rolled around. I had to work that afternoon and I had even brought a trimmer to work to clean up my stubble a little before showing up at her place. Boy was I nervous! I was about to open up my true feelings for this girl who obviously liked be back but must be waiting to make sure I liked to her too.

We watch the episode and have a good time. Laughter, snuggling, talking shit about her obese roommate.

The night was winding down so I knew this was it, I needed to tell her how I felt.

We were both standing in the front room of her apartment and without any warning on my part I just say it:

“Mary, I think it’s obvious that we get along so well together and we like each other. I know you have a boyfriend but I really like you and I think you like me too. I want to keep seeing you. What do you think?”

….silence

She was not ready for this. I just took all the energy out of the room. This was not what she wanted to hear. She wanted me to take her into her room and have her but instead I played my cards and jumped headfirst into the sexless in-town boyfriend zone. 

She agreed that she liked me but couldn’t do anything about it. She liked me a lot but we just need to stay friends. Her boyfriend was going to be visiting in a few weeks anyways.

I told her it was cool and that I’m glad that we can just be friends.

We hung out a few times more. I even tagged along when her boyfriend visited.

Not long after we drifted apart. I had started to get frustrated that I had turned into the guy that gives her unending attention when her boyfriend wasn’t around.

She’s married now to the guy. She’s still good looking from what I can tell on Facebook but she’s never responded to any messages I had sent afterwards of “hey, just seeing how you’re doing!”

Pure, full blown Beta game, guys.

This is how you take a gold, fucking GOLDEN opportunity and ruin it for yourself.

Women were this precious thing to shouldn’t be corrupted – even though she wanted me to make moves on her sexually

I was respecting her relationship – even though she was spending enormous amounts of time with another guy, me, and would never let her boyfriend know about me.

I made the move to pour my heart out to her so that we could both acknowledge our attraction and take the next step – even though all she was interested in, pre-friendzone, was the passion and physical connection that she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend. She was in college looking for the college experience for shit’s sake.

Here are my lessons learned

1. Any girl, regardless of relationship status, is game for a bang provided she’s going along with the seduction.

2. Telling a girl you like her does the opposite of what you, a nice guy, thinks it will do. Don’t tell her how you feel, show her how you feel with your tongue, hands, and when the moment comes, dick.

3. Classic beta advice shit: don’t be a celibate boyfriend. A girl is not your best friend. She is either pre-bang, post-bang, wing-girl, or entertainment. Anything more and you should be married to her and having daily sex while she stays home to raise the babies.

4. I like making lists after writing stories.

The Girl I Think I Want and the Girl I Get

There’s been a constant struggle within me since I started noticing and talking to girls years ago. My eyes are charmed by the quirky, layered clothes, jeans, Converse, cool looking girl that drinks beer, listens to the same music I do or can recommend new music that I’d like, perhaps she rides a bike, colors her hair.

The “hipster” girl.

She shows her value in shallow things and uses them as eye candy to distract from her flaws. A purse shaped like a turtle with “random” pin-buttons on them. Bangs cut flat just above her eyes.

I’ve been drawn to them since I started playing in bands in the 90’s. They were also my friends but as I didn’t know how to play the game and dance the dance that leads to sex with these girls, I was put in the friendzone rather quickly and it’s painfully obvious that I put myself there.

The problem with these girls, at least 15 years later, is that they seem to have common personality flaws. They’re irrationally combative, sarcastic – to the point where every sentence in a conversation is sarcasm, chatting with them goes no where because they are more interested in fighting than playing. I can start conversations with these girls just fine. Approaching is no problem and for “fitting in”,  I have a middle of the road dress style that fits in with the pseudo bohemian and the clean and classy look.

Whatever, I’m losing focus.

The thing is, I don’t want to put up with these girls and their poor personalities. I’m drawn to them based on this feeling of nostalgia for my past but these girls aren’t the same breed of broads I was crushing on in the late 90s.

BUT, the girl I do well with? She would be the hipster girl’s opposite, as it were. The girl with the summer dress, layered long hair, minimal – tasteful jewelry, and feminine physique; this is the girl that I flirt with naturally and build rapport and attraction with ease. She’s the girl that enthusiastically responds to my texts and agrees to meeting up for drinks.

Hipster girl? She bullshits around with me, sends me unfunny “ironic” texts, then ignores me as I push for a meetup.

It makes it easy to walk away from a girl like that luckily. She doesn’t want a good time, no problem for me.

Setting Limits and Making Decisions

Image

An important thing for a former blue-pill man to remember as he has more girls enter his life and perhaps refelcts on his failed past relationships or marriage.

A woman will respond to a leader despite her initial protests, if any, to his decisions. And I’m not talking about being a  repressive selfish asshole. I mean, as a charismatic alpha male, doing what you want and having your girl follow you.

Two examples from my sordid lifestyle:

Last week I was out with a girl. We were having coffee and despite her every attempt to shit test me and control the evening, I wouldn’t let her. The conversations was going where I wanted it to go. I would straight up ignore a question that I didn’t want to answer and talk about something else. After we finished our drinks I took her hand and told her we were going on a walk in the neighborhood. She said she didn’t want to but she followed anyway. I pointed out some notable houses in the neighborhood that I knew some history on; famous people who have lived there etc. She was following and she knew it. She even said as much – “I’m not used to guys not pursuing me and doing what I want, this is different”. We were in my car with our pants off an hour later. Correlation, causation, I don’t give a fuck – leading is attractive.

Second. main girl and I were out this morning walking to the store to get some items we needed for lunch. On the way back we passed a decent second hand clothing store and went in to look around. I found nothing but some shoes that were too small. A long enough time had passed and I was ready to go but she was still looking, ever so slowly, at every piece of 2000 items of women’s clothing in this store. Shopping wasn’t even on the plan, just something we thought would be fun to do for a dip-in. She wasn’t wrapping it up so I had to tell her “We’re leaving in ten minutes”.

She quickly grabbed a couple items and ran to the fitting room. When she came out she was happy to have a few things that fit but realized what was going on:

“Hey, I never tell you to hurry up” (not teasing or smiling, she felt a little intimidated that I was telling her that we were leaving)
“That’s because I never waste my time on things I don’t like”
“well…”

Minutes later she was affectionate and pleasant and happy. Job done.

Let’s contrast that with a beta pleaser:

In the first story, the beta people-pleaser would have back tracked when talking to the girl while out for coffee. Following her storyline and answering every one of her questions sincerely. By the end of their drink she would have been bored with him. If he wanted to go on a walk he would have asked her if she wanted to, putting the pressure on her to decide the nights activities – not what’s going to make her excited to take her shirt off for you. She would have probably said “no thanks, I told my friend I would go swing by her place so I better go”.

In the second story, the beta people-pleaser would have waited around all god fucking damned day for her to make up her mind on something or to decide to ditch the garbage she was going to try on. Meanwhile the milk in the grocery bag would be getting warm.

Men, lead your ladies.

“+1 #milf #POF”

This is a tangent story to my post from Thursday night; “Weekday Online Dating Game”

It starts back up:

…Wednesday night I text both girls. Girl from POF and I immediately start flirting. She seems fun. I really enjoy a girl that knows how to have a conversation. It’s not long before she invites me over to her house to have drinks with her roommates. She lives a half hour away in an artsy, “hip” part of town. I’m down to drive.

I show up at 10:30

She’s cute. Blonde, blue eyes, fit, and just a little shorter than me. Artsy, musical, tattoos, and piercings. I dig it. I’m naturally comfortable around this kind of girl. Always have been. This is very nice for a single mom. She keeps herself active and attractive. There’s not much like that back in my neighborhood

I must be putting off a good vibe and looking great because she immediately has a look in her eyes that she’s very happy that I look like my profile pictures. I’m happy because this is the first time someone has looked better than their profile pictures. Thank god.

She right away introduces me to her roommates – a guy and girl a little younger than I who are dating. They seem like good people. Very welcoming, into good music and easy to conversate with.

So my girl gets the party started. We start doing shots of Irish whisky and get cozy in front of the firepit outside with the others. Some neighbors come by for company. Being in the “hipster” part of town has it’s benefits with meeting new people and being social.

We are digging on each other and I am not afraid to have my hands on her as we are getty cozy and doing more shots, smoking cigarettes, and enjoying the fire.

We’re getting buzzed and she says “well, we keep doing shots you’ll have to spend the night. I don’t allow drunk driving”

noted.

Close to midnight the crowd starts to couple off. We’ve been shamelessly making out in front of everyone on and off the past hour at this point. It’s fun to know we’re making the others feel awkward.

I tell her to show me the art piece she’s been working on that’s in her bedroom, and away we go.

Making out, going down on each other, using hands, fingers, pulling hair, neck choking, spanking ass cheeks, on top, from behind, halfway off the bed. And the compliments this girl would let come out of her mouth sounded like me the first time a girl let me kiss her. I felt like the most attractive guy alive by her opinion. Almost 45 minutes later we are exhausted in bed.

She was a great bang.

We went outside for a last smoke and talked a little more then called it a night.

I didn’t spend the night.

—-

[post script edit]

So, some takeaways

1. Blaze Frazier rightly calls out that this girl was DTF from the get go. Judging by the way things went, he’s right. Wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened but I know from my experience that you still have to at least be a little interesting, charismatic, and attractive to go all the way. Luckily we both caught the vibe early in our conversation and actions.

2. As it’s been said before over and over, girls want to be dominated in the bedroom. They also want to be choked, spanked, slapped, and have their hair pulled. This would be especially good for the first time you bang a girl so that the expectation is there; you are alpha in bed. You take what you want and do what you want with her.

3. I’m thinking about what made this work. I had seen her a lot online and we’ve both “viewed” each others profile many times. I wonder if I need to let that interaction happen a couple time with future dates before I crack into a message with them.

4. I don’t “view” their profile too much if only a couple times before I go into stealth mode. (ht Gmac and ronjon548)

5. Don’t chat them up a ton like their your girlfriend the next few days. I still have some beta tendencies to try to make someone really comfortable about me after first meeting. I have to ignore my phone so I don’t blabber myself into celibacy – this is the same with my main girl in terms of maintaining a day-to-day relationships with someone I’m technically already very familiar with.

Weekday Online Dating Game

Tuesday night I went out alone but had a girl I was texting from OKC. She gave me her number pretty quickly after we messaged a few times online. There was a chance we would meet up but no plans were set. I wanted to at least go out and be social in case I could invite her to where I was. Earlier in the day I had joked that I was going to a secret strip club and for her to meet me there. She said she’d be with her friend but might be available since her friend tends to flake, so when I got ahold of her later that night:

Her:Are you hanging out at the strip club? 😉
Me:I already got kicked out of that place. They couldn’t handle this! I’m at **** bar now. What neighborhood are you in?
Oh I’m in **** too. **** bar is awesome. I think tonight we are gonna lay low
I’ll be heading out soon. I’d insist you have your friend invite me over but I don’t want to spoil your party 😉
Haha if it was my apartment I’d be down to drink together. We’ll def tip a few back soon
No worries. Take it easy.
You too, mister

I went home after I finished my drinks and got on POF. I noticed a girl that has viewed me before but I never got around to messaging. What the hell, she’s cute, tall, and fit. Artsy, tattoos, pierced – appealing to my rock and roll days of yesteryear. Single mom but I’m not worried. I’ve been there before. She starts up a conversation with me quick and we chat back a forth a couple messages. I mention I’m going to bed and she gives me her number. I text her to make sure she has my number and go to bed.

Wednesday night I text both girls. Girl from POF and I immediately start flirting. She seems fun. I really enjoy a girl that knows how to have a conversation. It’s not long before she invites me over to her house to have drinks with her roommates.

(I’ll continue this story tomorrow)

Meanwhile OKC girl from Tuesday writes me back as I’m having drinks with these new folks.

Her:Yo! It is finally time for a big damn glass of wine. I had so much work I had to take home w me. How was your day?
Excellent! Chilling with friends. A fire in april!
Yeah it got cool out! You are so social. I wish I had it in me during the week. I save myself for the weekend haha

Well look at that. Social proof without even trying that hard. She thinks I’m the life of a party.

After leaving really late from the party I was at I go home.

Tonight I’m just relaxing but decide to see if anyone is up to hangout. POF girl is real chatty and very pleasant (more on that tomorrow) but is busy. OKC girl writes me back:

What’s goin on tonight?
I’m hanging out w my brother tonight. We should get drinks this weekend if you’re down?
I can swing it Saturday night or, if you feel daring, Sunday night.
Good deal. I’m ready to drink whenever you are haha

There we go. She’s asking me out now because she knows my time fills up quickly.

I’m pretty happy with how things are going considering the Wednesday night hangout I got with POF girl.

So tell me, what do you think went well? Went bad? Did I lose my frame anywhere and didn’t realize it?

My thoughts:

1. Be active and don’t just appear to be social, go out and be social.

2. Maybe don’t use too many smiley faces? I tend to cringe at them when I look back and notice I used them.

3. OKC girl has been very enthusiastic but seems like she can’t ever hang during the week. Maybe that’s her game and I need to watch out for that.

4. Keep talking to people, new people. Keep your social skills honed. Make observations of people around you that would make a funny story to include in a text.

5. Don’t spend so much time talking using the website. If she’s enjoying the conversation, move it over to text messages quick. Don’t spend the rest of your night texting her either. Have some funny things to say, tease her, and cut the conversation off or make plans to meet soon. Don’t feed any attention she may be trying to get from you for the sake of herself feeling validated before you’ve even met.

Quotes From Saturday Night or The Thought Processes of a Girl

Quotes from Saturday night:

[mostly in chronological order as I recall. No drugs or alcohol were involved]

“Don’t be offended…and you probably don’t even know this word..you seem very androgynous”

“Don’t you own any white socks?”

“I remind you of someone? I can’t stand that. I like to think I’m incredibly unique.”

“I thought you must be gay.”

“I thought that other guy over there was you before you got here. At least he’s good looking”

“My friend thinks you’re a liar. You don’t have kids.”

“You’re judging me?”

“I’m very blunt with my opinions. If you don’t like that you can leave.”

“I hate cigarettes. People that smoke them disgust me”

“Show me your tongue.”

“I don’t believe a thing about you”

“What’s your last name?”

“Are you on facebook?”

“Why is your profile private?”

“Show me your drivers license”

“Take of your shirt”

“I’m not used to boys not pursuing me”

“You’re bad. You’re trouble”

“Don’t rape me. I was raped when I was nine.”

“I wasn’t raped. I was kidding.”

“I just can’t figure you out.”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“You’re such a whore.”

“How many girls have you slept with? 50? 75? 35?”

“Oh my stupid thoughts.”

“Show me your dick”

“I bet you’ve taken tons of girls to this place”

“Hold on, let me take my fishnets off”

“Everything you say is a lie. You’re married.”

“Take off your clothes.”

One at home, two in the kitty, and three in the bedroom

Just some notes for posterity.

Two days ago I started up a conversation with a remarkable single mom my age. Certainly not to be confused with a 21 year old but she has taken good steps to keep herself in great shape; feminine, long hair, blonde, fit. After exchanging a few messages we easily slipped into a more sexually focused conversation. Several nude pics later we were making plans to hang out soon. One of the topics was about threesomes. Neither of us having been in one but both desiring, we planned on getting a friend of her’s that she suspects would be game to schedule a party for the three of us. It will be fun to see if this actually plays out. In the meantime, the pics keep coming. She is generous.

2nd girl started talking to me yesterday. She’s a trip (or perhaps a typical hamster-driven female) because I can tell she’s sexually interested but everytime the conversation moves more sexually, and often with her nudging, she then apologizes for being sexual. I ignore it. She’s a shit-testing question asker. I’ll ignore the question entirely and keep talking about the subject at hand or do the ole agree-and-amplify routine.

“When was the last time I had sex?”
“I have a harem, remember?”

All of these conversations were going on last night as my main girl and I hosted a party with our close circle of friends; the six of us listening to music, drinking, and having a good time. Having two girls texting me all night really amped up my confidence with my main. Especially in the taking-what-I-want and not being afraid to be sexual in front of her instincts.

Main girl’s best friend thought it would be cute if they took a picture of them kissing while the rest of the friends were on the balcony in the night air. I insisted on taking the pictures; it’s been a latent fantasy to see them kiss and even more to get it on camera. Spending about five minutes framing the picture while they pecked, I told them to just stop giggling and let go; use some tongue. I got closer as they started really enjoying themselves…and then…I invited myself into the mix. The three of us nibbled on each others lips and sucked on each others tongues as my hands felt free enjoying the physical landscape. It didn’t last all but a few minutes. We were expected to come back into the living room to play board games.

It was a good night.

Mind Frame: It Should Be About You First

“I’m going to fuck you with or without your permission.”

If you’re doing it right, saying that phrase to your girl will get a giggle out of her. She might even play along as the part of the unwilling.

Sometimes she’ll giggle but then still play the part of the ragdoll because she’s not as horny as you but she knows that it’s good for both of you to have sex.

I am, of course, talking about LTR situations here. I have kids and an LTR with my girl so I’m not speaking from the perspective of the girl you’re talking to at a party or a club. That may very well work there too but just to make it clear because I’m going to mention issues that come up in the LTR/marriage in this post.

I’m of the opinion that guys need to stop worrying so much about “how do I make her cum” and “why doesn’t she ever initiate sex”. For one, you shouldn’t have any problem initiating sex – it’s your biological prerogative. Get with that. Second, if she doesn’t know how to cum, she’s not going to trust you to teach her; she needs to learn herself.

Hopefully she has a healthy masturbatory habit because, unlike with guys who masturbate so much it drains their desire to even approach girls, the more your girl knows herself, the better she’ll be with telling you how to make her feel good in bed. So let’s stop worrying about it. Get yours. Ravage that body, change positions, make noises, and don’t let go until you’re done.

And don’t apologize for an impromptu quickie – sometimes your going to have a short session. There’s always next time.

I’m mentioning all of this, perhaps as a letter to myself. These were things that bothered me years ago when I lacked confidence and wouldn’t enjoy sex because I was worried about her experience while we banged. I would ask her afterwards if she even liked it. I would wonder if she was annoyed that I wanted to have sex. I won’t get into that mind frame anymore. If I’m confident from the get go (barring health issues or the appropriateness of it in the first place) and go for it, we’re going to bang. This is how it should have been years ago.

The Workplace Advantage

I’m tired as hell and it’s nowhere near my bedtime but I wanted to get this thought out.

The difference between me pre and post red-pill in my workplace is impressive to me. Take for example the two different girls I work with that are near my age.

One is blonde, single, a little overweight but cute – and I make sure to pipe up when I hear her talking about her Zumba classes so she gets the idea to keep it up. The other is brunette, married, and very attractive except for her frazzled, in a panic personality.

Me a few years ago would be the kind of guy that would do whatever it is they would ask me to do and wouldn’t engage in much conversation with them. I would probably offer to do extra things for them so that they would like me – people pleaser  that I was.

Today’s version of me interacts with them socially, flirtatiously (however cautiously per my personal rules about the workplace), and confidently. I don’t let them boss me around and use my upper hand to get what I want out of our workplace relationship.

Asking for help on something silly “nah, you can do it” or something similar to treating them like I’m teaching a child how to do something simple. It always gets a smile.

Another advantage is that the hiring manager is a surprisingly feminine woman that seems to enjoy it when I jokingly flirt with her. I’m pretty sure it was my rambling confidence that got me the job in the first place considering how overqualified I was and that I was able to negotiate the highest possible pay rate for my job description – I traded down responsibility but was able to keep my middle-manager pay from my previous position.

It’s good to see these things play out in real life. Not just in my experience in a long-term child-filled relationship with my girl but as they work with other females throughout my life.

Learn it, use it, reap the benefits.

Coffee and Cigarettes – Drink Your Coffee Like a Man

Light yourself up a cigarette, this is going to take a couple minutes:

All you men rushing yourselves in the morning just so you can leave the house early enough to stand in line for ten minutes at a coffee chain to drink 300 calories of hot chocolate coffee flavored milk (aka Cafe Mocha) on your commute into your office so you can feel good about yourself because you consider yourself a “coffee man” are full of it. If you aren’t one of these guys you certainly know at least a full handful of these suckers.

First, stop drinking sugar. If you wonder where your “two o’ clock feeling” is coming from it’s at least coming from your desert you just had for breakfast.

Don’t think you’re getting off my craplist because you order lattes or cappuccinos. That means you enjoy paying $3 for 14 ounces of hot milk with your 2oz of coffee. HOT MILK! That’s a time tested home remedy for helping one fall asleep. Don’t think the 100mg of caffeine content in espresso in your latte is going to negate that.

When it comes down to it, you look like a pussy. You blend in. You walk with the sheep.

Alright, you can put out your cigarette now.

So here’s what you need to do: develop your taste for black coffee from a French press.

First, if you are developing your day  game by hanging out at a coffee shop, how about a conversation piece? Most coffee shops, major chains included, will serve you coffee in a French press. It’s a primal way of brewing coffee – using coarse grounds and hot water steeped and plunged. It’s a sexual move to push a rod in your drink before enjoying it and you’ll be girl watching with a beaker of black goop at your table.

Most presses will brew enough coffee for two or three cups – offer a cup to the girl you’ve been chatting up  at the next table. Learn about how it works so you can ramble about why you like to drink it this way instead of hot milk in a paper cup.

Drinking it black gives you a drink that is sugar free and basically calorie free. If you must add something, go paleo and plop a little bit of heavy cream in it – any quality coffee shop, including the chains, keep heavy cream in the fridge.

How about when you are making dinner for a girl at your place? (The Chef in Jeans will help you learn more about that here)

Buy a French press to keep at home for an after dinner drink with your parfait.

You need to buy quality whole beans – I prefer most producers “espresso roast”, French roast, or Indonesian coffees; I stay away from Latin American coffees (think Colombian etc) because they have a high acidic content. Indonesian coffees (e.g. Sumatra) have a very low acid content which means no heartburn; important if you’re treating your lady to a drink and they pair well with heavier foods.

Have a coffee grinder and a water kettle. You can stick with the typical kettle you heat on the stove that whistles or find a classy stainless steel electric kettle. Stay away from anything too colorful or gimicky, those are made for girls and won’t blend in well with your pad that is surely decorated with many leather-bound books.

Grind two tablespoons of coffee for every six ounces of water. The grinds should be coarse – probably about 11 seconds in your grinder.

Put the ground in the beaker and pour your water just off boil into the beaker and give the grinds a stir.

Let it sit for four minutes.

Put the top on and slowly plunge the press down.

Pour yourself and your lady a small cup.

Offer her some nonfat milk and sweet’n’low. It’s okay, girls can put that kind of junk in their coffee if they want but drink yours black or with some heavy cream.

Ditch the hot milk man-in-socks-and-flip-flops routine and start drinking good coffee. It’ll do you well.